Parents: What You Say Matters

by: Leo Rosenberg

Children are amenable by nature. Otherwise it would be difficult to learn and develop. Growing up, we all learned from our parents, coaches, teachers, and pretty much anyone we looked up to. Parents typically have the most influence over their children. So, what you say to your kids is important. I'm writing to make you aware of how your words and expressions may either damage or strengthen your child's tennis game.

First, you should know and understand that humans carry a negativity bias. Meaning, our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones. In nature, it's useful for our survival. We need to remember dangers better to avoid putting ourselves in harm's way. Our reaction to negativity is thus more profound and that has been proven through various research studies. Furthermore, academic research shows that, in relationships, for every negative experience we need five positives to maintain an equilibrium between negative and positive. Why is this important to know for the development of your child's game?

Before I get into that, you simply need to be emotionally supportive, regardless of their performance. That said, the biggest strength of any player is their mental and emotional control. A good player is unbiased and in the moment. They are in a flow state whenever they step on the court. If you act accusatory or say negative things towards your child because they do not achieve the results you expect, then you fill your child's mind with that negativity, making it impossible to engage with the present moment. In fact, all your negative comments become the little voice in your child's head.

During a match or training, that negative voice will creep anytime they get out of their comfort zone or when they feel doubt. During a match, we are always on our own. We cannot be coached as it is against the rules. So, your child will need a positive voice to encourage them to overcome and solve problems on the spot when they compete. But, if many of your comments or expressions have been negative then you have trained your child to put themselves down. This process becomes a vicious spiral. You will be disappointed from their poor performance and your disappointment will thus reinforce your child's feeling of inadequacy and the negative voice will become stronger.

The unfortunate truth is that if we have a tendency to coerce, guilt trip, or make statements that discount others in an attempt to get better performance, it is because we were trained in such manner. And previous generations come from an upbringing that lacked the informative pedagogy that stems from sound scientific research. So, if you carry negative thoughts, you need to educate yourself and become more aware of your own behavior and thinking. You do not want to ruin your child's potential in tennis (or elsewhere) by bringing them down each time they make a mistake.