Positive Coaching

Imagine telling a baby that’s learning to walk they’re not good at walking. Tell the baby their steps are terrible and too wobbly, they’re falling too many times, and they’re an embarrassment to your family. Crazy to even imagine it, right? But I’ve heard parents speak to their kids that way during practice and after a tennis match. Thankfully, the norm for raising babies is people share love and words of encouragement. Parents and anyone watching a baby walk are attentive, proud, and cheer them on. The signal to the baby is clear – you’re doing great, keep going. But then the child gets older and tennis happens, and many parents get carried away by frustration and begin to sow self-doubt into their child’s mind by making repetitive negative statements.

For example, one of the most common negative statements from parents is their child is lazy. My guess, their kid does not run and work hard like Rafael Nadal. They see their child moving slowly on the court and not bending their knees, so they assume they’re lazy. Children are not lazy. They just need proper guidance and time, which means you need to be patient and smart.

Let’s go over two assumptions that will help guide your approach to teaching. First, discipline is a mental exercise and it is a learned trait. It also comes in multiple forms. One form of discipline is how a person prioritizes tasks. Watch TV or exercise? The other aspect is how much focus the person applies into a task. Do I think of the TV show while I run or do I concentrate on the task at hand? A player is disciplined if they can get themselves to choose the right task and focus on that task.

The second assumption you should adopt is that failure is inevitable and is part of becoming a great tennis player. In fact, failure is part of getting good at anything. One of the most elite Navy SEAL soldiers who was part of Seal Team 6 began his presentation with the following quote: “Failing is not failure, quitting is.” If the Seal Team 6 member does not believe failing is bad, then you should relax when you see your kid lose a match or miss shots. The SEALs trained to fail. The ex-Navy SEAL explained that their training sessions were set up to be novel and designed so they fail at their task. They would then analyze how they failed and try to learn from their experience. That is similar to how pro players developed their game. If you shame your child for failing, they begin to fear making mistakes and will avoid taking on tasks that are out of their comfort zone.

You want to give your kid the best chances for success by helping them learn self-discipline and to thrive through failure. You can only do that with positive reinforcement. Be firm but encourage them to make good choices and focus on the task at hand. Motivate them when they fail so that they keep working, failing, and learning. Your positive speech will, over time, influence your child to keep a positive frame of mind. That will help them find inner strength to be disciplined and overcome challenges.

Author: Leo Rosenberg.